by Chris Defever

Knock! Knock! Knock! Our walk down memory lane was rudely interrupted. We had been listening to soft strains of Christmas music that filled the tiny living room of our Polish apartment. Brittney and Melanie, our teenage daughters, were in the middle of reminiscing about the homemade decorations; laughing about what grade this one was made in or that one with a tiny handprint from Sunday School.

My family gathered as a troupe to the front door to see who and what might await us on the other side. To wide-eyed amazement, at the door stood a weather-aged gentleman asking in Polish, “Would like to purchase a fresh carp (fish) for your Christmas Eve dinner?”

Pushing the door wide open, all four of us lined up like little tin solders in our entryway, dumbly staring at each other.

“No thanks.” We politely answered the gentleman and he turned from our door to the next apartment door in our poorly lit hallway. Melanie (our youngest and 14-years old) broke the silence whispering, “Why would we want carp for Christmas Eve dinner?” To that, my husband and I shrugged our shoulders, because neither of us could give her an answer. Intrigued, all thoughts of finishing the Christmas tree laid aside for the moment, we called a Polish friend, “Why would we want carp for Christmas Eve?”

According to Polish tradition, a family buys a fresh fish and keeps it alive in the bathtub until Christmas Eve afternoon, when the mother is expected to kill, gut, and cook the delicacy.

After we hung up, questions began swirling in my mind; “Who eats fish for Christmas Dinner?” … “Hmmm, wonder what Jesus ate for Holiday meals?” … “If the average Polish house is 500 square feet with one bathroom for a family of four, and the fish is in the tub, where do they all shower for two days?” … Then I thought of several American traditions that might not make sense to someone from another country, like polar bear clubs that take a dip in a cold ocean on Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. Doesn’t make sense to me, but it is an American tradition to others.

In Poland, Christmas Eve is a time for immediate family only. When setting the table for Christmas Eve, one extra plate is set for an unseen guest. Traditionally, twelve different dishes must also be presented and served at dinner, most containing some form of fish.

For most people, the first year living abroad is the most difficult time to be away from family, friends, and traditions. It can be especially hard to face the feelings of not just being an outsider, but being away from what is familiar, especially at Christmas.

We did a smart thing our first year abroad; we invited Uncle Dave to visit us from the States -- just as we had invited him to our house every year that we lived in Michigan, USA. Uncle Dave scheduled his visit to Poland for that first Christmas away from home. Our young daughters were so caught up in the festivities that they didn’t have time to miss the normal family gathering. Being together became the important part of that Christmas. We experienced a togetherness that became the norm for future Christmas Holidays.

Moving to Poland, we were advised to pack our family’s favorite Christmas bulbs and decorations. We were thankful we did, because it helped our daughters’ transition and our loneliness at Christmas to have familiar items around. Every year we’ve lived abroad, we have continued the family tradition of my husband Dan pulling the ornaments out of storage in great fanfare and we decorate the house and tree as a family.

Weeks before Christmas, our now teenage daughters delight in helping plan the Christmas menus, with intense bartering between the three of us about who will prepare which special dish.

Poland does not have sweet potatoes or squash, Defever family favorites. Some years, we travel to Berlin a couple weeks before Christmas, for food and gift shopping and to enjoy how beautiful Germany is when decorated at Christmas. Brittney and Melanie know exactly which booths sell the long anticipated sweet potatoes, and buy as many as they can comfortably carry. If we have sweet potatoes, we prepare and explain about them to our Polish friends, offering taste tests. After days and days of preparation, the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day celebrations finally arrive.

We set aside several days to invite Polish teens from our church to participate, teaching them how to make and decorate American sugar cookies (or Dan’s favorite, apple pie).

As we cook and bake, I watch us all settle into our own personal reflections of the Christmas Season. Our conversations easily transition to why we celebrate the birth of Christ and the circumstances surrounding that period of time in history. Mary and Joseph would have been young, lonely, afraid, and far from their families in a foreign land. In a small way, we relate to those emotions.

A cherished tradition with my daughters is the time spent in the kitchen preparing food, giggling, laughing, crying, pondering, sharing hearts and loving each other. We did not take this tradition with us from the States, far from it. We ran from party to party, too busy in our lives to set aside time to enjoy just hanging out together. I used to rush around, hurriedly completing all the Holiday cooking and baking, allowing our daughters to help only with the small role of decorating cookies. I’ve changed my goals from getting things done to enjoying just hanging out together, listening to my daughters and my husband at this newly discovered heart level.

Even now, it’s easy to experience feelings of being left out on Christmas Eve because we have no family to invite over but a wonderful Polish Christmas tradition rescues us every year. After Christmas Eve, they have three more days of celebration! They invite different groups of friends and family over to a dizzying array of dinners and sweets. Our family stays busy attending multiple events, as well as hosting many others in our home.

Two months ago, we moved to our third culture, Amsterdam. We know that again, many of the traditions will be different than either the United States or Poland. At the same time, we trust that our new Dutch friends will guide and help us as we learn from them new customs to celebrate Christmas.

“So ma’am, would you like to buy some carp for Christmas?”

Chris lives in Amsterdam, the Netherlands with her husband Dan and two teenage daughters, Brittney and Melanie. As a family, they have dedicated their lives to sharing Christ’s love by loving their neighbors as themselves. They entertain, build relationships, take new friends with them on outings, anything to display Christ’s love. They spent five years starting a church in northwest Poland before a recent move for Dan to attend Tyndale Theological Seminary. Contact Chris at Chris@defeverfamily.org

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