… The Top Thirteen Things TO DO OR SAY and NOT TO DO OR SAY to Someone with Breast Cancer

by Janet Thompson

I am a woman, wife, mother, grammie, friend, sister, plus a myriad of other roles. For the past twelve years, I’ve traveled around the U.S. and Canada as a Christian speaker and trainer. I am also an author and am living out a role I never expected: a breast cancer survivor. I am a five-year survivor and this year it will be six years of celebration.

The path and subsequent journey that breast cancer placed my feet on led me to write a book entitled, “Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer” which is a true companion book that I wish I would have had with me during that life-changing experience. During my travels as a speaker, my road to health opened the door for me to make quick and meaningful connections with other women on the cancer journey and to meet their loved ones. After awhile, I realized one consistent question was, “What can I do when someone I care about is diagnosed with cancer?”

Very few individuals know exactly what to do. In one of the chapters in my book, I tried to provide actions that would help the readers do exactly what would be most effective when trying to help their loved one through the cancer experience. Listed below is an excerpt from the book that provides concise and easy-to-do suggestions.

Note: “DON’Ts” are listed first because they’re important, so please don’t regard them as negative, just important and healing to your loved one.

Don’t talk about people you know with breast cancer. Good or bad is not helpful.
Do let me talk about mine and listen.
Don’t tell me God is in control, has a plan, or knew it was going to happen.
Do just show me the love of God.

Don’t say, “I’ll pray for you” unless you mean it. I will be counting on those prayers.
Do pray for and with me.

Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I don’t know what you are willing to do and might be too sick or sad to pick up the phone.
Do offer to do something specific; then do it.

Don’t look at me like I am dying. I can read your body language and eyes, and it scares me.
Do show genuine compassion and concern.

Don’t avoid me. It makes me feel rejected, different.
Do keep normal contact with me.

Don’t act like nothing is happening, minimize my situation, or compare me with someone else.
Do take your cue from me as to how, comfortable I am talking about it.

Don’t tell others, unless you have asked if it is OK.
Do ask me if it is OK to tell others, and honor my wishes.

Don’t feel bad when I can’t return phone calls or cards.
Do keep calling and leave a message. I love to hear your voice and I look forward to the mail.

Don’t be resentful of how my illness affects you.….
Do help me learn to live with my “new normal” that might also change your life.

Don’t forget about me after the initial flurry of the diagnosis. This will be a long haul, and I need you.
Do let me grieve, and that takes time. Stick with me.

Don’t feel you have to say you “understand” how I feel. If you have not had breast cancer yourself, you don’t understand.
Do let me talk without trying to fix it or feel you have to comment. I might
just need a listening ear.

Don’t ask me questions like, “Are you having them Both taken off? Or on both sides? In fact, don’t ask me any personal questions about my condition.
Do let me tell you what I am comfortable saying. Keep your curiosity curtailed. I will tell you what I want you to know right now.

If you have other ideas that work, feel free to contact map’s executive editor—she would love to share them during next year’s Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Excerpt from Janet Thompson’s Dear God, They Say
It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer
Journey (Howard Books/Simon & Schuster, 2006), p 77.
Copyright material, used by permission.

Christian author and speaker, Janet Thompson, is the founder of Woman to Woman Mentoring and About His Work Ministries. Her most recent book is: Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter Hope, Help, & Encouragement for Hurting Parents (Howard Books a div of Simon and Schuster, 1/08). Janet and her daughter, Kim, along with other praying mothers and prodigal daughters, share their journey and how praying Scripture helps parents pray God’s will and not their own will for their daughter. Janet and Kim hope to end the prodigal wanderings in future generations of their own family and mentor other parents struggling with prodigal daughters. Janet has a Masters of Arts in Christian Leadership from Fuller Theological Seminary. / Contact Janet at ahw@sbcglobal.net; www.womantowomanmentoring.com; or www.deargodtheysayitscancer.com .